# Don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream and let it show
# Don't let them go Don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream
# And let it grow, grow, grow, grow grow, grow. #
SIMON: When carousing on the early, slash, new-millennial, London-based gay scene,
remember, image is all.
Keep the waist low, chin high, and above all else,
remember to cover not only your backs...
Cheeky!
...but also your flaws.
Oh, my God, it's Harry Potter!
Hmm, guess he saw my gash.
I grew up in a warm, loving, slightly eccentric family
who thought that everything I did was amazing.
How much do we love our Simon?
ALL: This much!
But what they didn't prepare me for was that in the outside world
other people might not find me quite so amazing.
- Nancy boy! - Faggot!
- Queer! - Gay!
- Poofter! - Batty boy!
There you go, poppet.
Chicken tikka pitta pockets and a melange of mango and melon balls.
Enjoy!
They say there's a very thin line between love and hate.
In my case, that line seemed to be our front gate.
Oi, woofter. Is that the gay house, is it?
Oi, Doonan, do you take it up the arse?
You got AIDS yet, you big, fat bum boy? Get him!
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
Sir?
I think I'm being bullied.
Bullied? No, that's shocking. I'm shocked.
I can't get over that.
Really? Yes.
Is it because of your unnaturally protruding teeth?
Er...no.
Well, my advice to you is... Yes?
...tell a teacher! Right.
You should, you know? Do you the world of good.
You know what, I think I might leave it.
Your choice, Norman.
Simon.
You can always rely on your best mate to cheer you up.
But sometimes other things change the way you feel.
And though you might not yet be able to put a name to these feelings
you know that they mean something.
Are you new? My name's Mickey, Mickey McCann.
I'm Simon and this is my friend Kylie.
Like the pop star?
Only I look twice as ferocious in hot pants.
New boy, hang about with them and everybody will say you're a battio.
Come on, mate, we'll show you where the pussy is.
Oops! Looks like he dropped something.
Mickey?
Mum? Yes, lover.
When you met Dad, did you know he was the one?
Yeah. Our eyes met across a crowded soup kitchen.
He took one look at me and he said...
I just found these crabs in the back.
I'm dressing them for tea.
What in, ponchos and pashmini?
SHE LAUGHS And what did you say?
Has anyone ever told you you look like Tessa Wyatt from Robin's Nest?
Robin's Nest?
Seminal '70s sitcom about everyday life in a bistro with a one-armed...
Bandit? Waiter.
Lovely Tessa Wyatt. I really miss her popping up on my box.
Who?
Andy, get the picture from the drawer.
Crustacea back in the fridge, please, Ashlene.
See?
Yeah.
I think you look more like this.
That crab's repeating on me.
Still, the ponchos looked nice.
Didn't go a whole hog on the pashmini, mind.
I feel a bit sad, lover.
Why, babe?
Two things - one, why won't Ashlene tell us who her kid's dad is?
She reckons we'd kick off. I mean, how ridiculous is that?
She just doesn't bloody know, that's the real reason.
I've been violent, like, three times in my life.
Once when I found Coco the Clown rummaging about in your drawers.
We should never have hired a kleptomaniac kiddies entertainer.
When I had road rage on a funicular railway at Legoland.
- That kid provoked you, Andy. - What was the third time?
- Coco the Clown again. - Oh.
When you found him fingering Ashlene's architraving.
I don't even know what he was doing upstairs.
You said there were two things... that were making you feel blue.
It's this Tessa Wyatt thing.
I don't want to look like someone from the '70s.
I want to be the doppelganger of someone from now,
someone famous, someone fabulous.
# Oh, Mickey, you're so fine You're so fine
# You blow my mind, hey, Mickey
# Hey, Mickey
# Oh, Mickey, you're so fine... #
I wish I could spend more time with you.
And as the age-old adage goes, careful what you wish for.
Fishy lady's fingers with a cock-a-leekie dip,
followed by chocolate rosebuds. Enjoy!
It might come true.
Get him!
All I'm saying is, Simon,
if you don't enjoy Aunty Hayley's rather ambitious packed lunches,
then by all means say.
But don't go throwing them all over the cul-de-sac. That is so rude.
I'm sorry, Aunty Hayley.
Now what was I saying about careful what you wish for?
Mystery still surrounds the Reading Avon lady, Jane Rowland
who went missing three days ago and hasn't been seen since.
Reading, eh?
Shame she never galloped up our ginnel. I'd love some new products.
...Information about her whereabouts.
If anyone knows where Jane is,
or Jane, if you can hear this, please,
please get in touch.
Any piece of information, no matter how small, we need it.
- Oh, God love him. - I bet he's killed her.
- Ashlene! - What?
Her last words to me were...
I can get four fingers inside it, but it really hurts.
She was cleaning out a mouse hole on the skirting.
Mrs Rowland, who is in her late 30s, looks like this. Have you seen her?
THEY LAUGH
- Oh, my God, that is hilarious! - What?
She's got an ever so slight resemblance to me.
Slight?! Jesus, the two of yous could swap heads!
When I said I wanted to look like someone famous
I didn't mean a missing person.
And her irritation didn't stop there.
Overnight, my mum had developed traffic-stopping powers.
And my dad was powerless to resist.
She's my wife! No, no, she's my wife!
She's my wife! Debbie!
Oh, God, no!
She'd never dress like that.
The only upside to Mum's doppelganging qualities was...
it led to her first appearance on TV in a Crimewatch reconstruction as the missing lady.
Filming - that's what they call it when they film something -
filming went really well. I don't wanna tempt fate,
but is that a coffee cream I can smell?
No, it's a BAFTA.
Cor, that George Michael's a dirty old dog, in't he?
George Michael has been charged
with committing a lewd act in a park toilet.
Brilliant.
Debs, I'm really pleased for you.
I didn't realise you were such a good actress.
He's like you with a beard.
I guess I'm just a natural. Although I was a bit hacked off
the director kept asking what it was like working with a one-armed waiter.
Why don't we throw a big party?
Tomorrow night. Is it on the telly so soon?
It's an emergency, Simon.
Get all the neighbours in, really show you off.
Oh, Hayley, I don't think I could.
- I'm not that much of a bragger. - OK, your call.
Oh, go on then, you twisted my arm.
It's a beautiful idea. It would be rude to decline.
THUNDER RUMBLES
Sounds like a storm's coming.
It's a twister, Auntie Em!
I'm Aunty Hayley.
It's from The Wizard of Oz.
I'd have been brilliant in that.
What as - a pig-ugly munchkin?
# Somewhere over the rainbow
# Way up high
# There's a land that I heard of
# Once in a lullaby... #
Who are you?
I guess you could say I'm the ghost of homosexual future.
That cardy's very fashion forward.
Listen, relax, sweetie.
It's not all doom and gloom.
But Oscar Wilde was sent to Reading jail for being a friend of Dorothy.
There was 100 years ago, Simon.
Ten years from now the landscape's really changed.
Age of consent's equalised, Clause 28 is no more.
And...you can get married.
Oh, yeah, right(!)
There's this out gay actor bloke on the TV all the time, John Barrowman.
Still, you can't have everything.
But you can be happy.
And you will be. Trust me.
Why should I?
Simon...
I'm you.
# Somewhere over the rainbow... #
But no matter how rosy the future might look...
...the present can still look shit.
# ...There's a land that I've heard of
# Once in a lullaby... #
But I don't feel well.
Simon, you are going to school whether you like it or not.
But I think I might have viral meningitis.
It really hurts when I do that.
Simon, school!
But you're letting Ashlene bunk off! She's got high blood pressure.
Yeah, maybe if you were pregnant we'd let you skive off as well.
Oh, that's a really great example you're setting me. Thanks(!)
Maybe I should just go get a huge crack problem, check into rehab,
then I'd never have to go to school again.
Simon, please don't use the phrase "huge crack" around me,
I'm getting Greenham flashbacks.
I don't want you under my feet all day.
I'm going to ring round all the top London agencies,
get them to watch me on telly tonight.
Dad, can I get a lift to school from you?
Sorry, son, I'm nipping out to get party decorations from Good Will Bunting.
It's in completely the opposite direction.
Listen, Debbie, I was thinking, about tonight,
we should get a marquee in the garden.
There isn't room for a marquee.
All right then, a two-man tent with the flaps up, possibly a barbecue.
No, no way, not after last time.
I know you're all looking at me.
Has anyone seen Bette Midler?
I "saw her" at the Palladium in '78.
It's what he calls his guinea pig.
This burger's very hairy.
Bette Midler! DOORBELL
Hibes.
Hibes?
Short for "Hi, babes" for those in too much of a hurry.
There's an old show biz saying - when the going gets tough,
the poofs get their skates on.
Get him!
Come on! Get 'em!
# In the jungle, the mighty jungle
# The la la la la la sleeps tonight... #
Johoyo, could you get a bit of a move on,
only I'm on the telly tonight and...
- You're on the television? - Yeah, well, I'm an actress, so ...
Ahh! I have been on television!
You heard of Songs Of Praise?
I'm more drama than documentary.
I was on it, and they kicked me out! Bastards!
I thought it suited me, the big bass drum. Um-pam-pam...
Anyway, I'm having a party tonight
so I'd like to make sure I'm back in plenty of time.
- You're having a party? - Yes.
- A party you're having? - That's right.
Oh, for God's sake!
Ahh! I love to party! I love to love.
Me and my baby just love to dance!
Well, then you must come. Now can we get a move on?
Hey! My life is complete. Ahh!
# In the jungle, arrrgh!
# The mighty jungle
# Arrrgh! The l-l-lion sleeps tonight... #
Not got your skates on now, have you, battios?
Get him!
In here, come on!
Come on!
Enough! Get out!
Come on!
Help!
Help, somebody!
Help!
# Ah oooh Wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh
# Wimoweh, wimoweh Wimoweh, wimoweh
# Ah oooh, wimoweh, wimoweh wimoweh, wimoweh... #
I didn't do this, right?
I hate them, girlfriend. I'd quite happily drop them in a vat of boiling mascara.
Mickey's all right.
He's a knob, like the rest of them.
He's not. You're just like my mum.
I'm not an underdressed, over-made-up slut.
She kept going back to the same bloke that beat her up.
What are you trying to say, Kylie?
Wake up and smell the coffee, girlfriend!
I'm not your girlfriend, girlfriend!
Let me explain your hairdo.
I scooped it up here, I zhuzhed it here, I booped, edooped it here.
Your ears are still intact.
But I did cut your bra with my snappy-snappy twam-twams.
Scissors.
You say potato, I say root vegetable with the big eyes.
The problem is, Johoyo, it doesn't look any different to when I came in.
That is the sign of a good haircut! Huh?
DOORBELL
I'll get it.
Our Kyle said there was a bit of a party going on. Where's your dad?
What's that?
I think it must be a good luck card from Simon, bless him.
Ohh! I keep getting stomach cramps.
I told you to keep your fingers out of Aunty Hayley's Bombay mix,
she's far too free and easy with the hot nuts.
Come on, let's get downstairs.
Are you from the Inland Revenue?
I've paid my taxes, but the cheque, it must have been lost in the post.
I'm Kylie.
Oh, The Locomotion was catchy.
Brrr-eeee! Hey!
Come on! Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Johoyo says pogo no.
Hey, watch my occasional table, Johoyo.
Occasionally is a table.
Occasionally a very big hat.
Has anyone seen Simon?
Kylie, have some manners, it's not Simon's night, it's Debbie's night.
DOORBELL
- Leave us alone, Jayeson. - I'm invited.
You all right, Jayeson? All right, slag.
What you looking at? Dunno, hasn't got a label on it.
Oh, yes, it has. It says "huge twat".
SCREAMS Shut up and get in!
All right, sexy?
I'm going to pretend you didn't say that, who or whatever you are.
Your loss, darling.
All right?
All right. Where you going?
Thanks...for today.
They didn't mark your face.
Are you running away?
I've been waiting ages. There's a bus strike.
Simon, I'm sorry.
I'm not going to hang about with Jayeson any more. He's a knobhead.
Do you need a lift anywhere?
Do you want to go to a party?
I wish I could get out of this damn closet, girlfriend.
BANGING
# Stuck in the dark and the confines
# Of a place where nobody could breathe
# I'll suffer the fools with their closed minds
# Till the day when the world can see me
# There'll be a world that is longing to see
# One day
# Beautiful people who love me for me
# One day
# Some day
# One day
# I'll find a place I can breathe
# When the world will see me. #
JAYESON: So, is it mine?
The baby, is it mine?
Yeah.
Come on, it's about to start.
What are you doing in there? Taking an overdose?
Get in there and mingle, batty boy.
There's some right fit birds in here.
Come on, find yourself a luscious lovely.
They're introducing the reconstruction.
Where's Simon?
Have some manners, it's not Simon's night, it's Debbie's night.
- You're drunk. - Piss off!
Ow!
- All right, Reba? - Hiya, Debbie.
Slut. I'm on!
VOICEOVER ON TV: Were you in Tabernacle Terrace that day?
Did you see Jane on her way to work?
I found it really difficult to walk in a straight line.
Something happens when the camera is on me, I don't know what it is.
Hello, neighbour, I'm just off on my Avon lady round.
They couldn't afford to pay her. Either that or she was shit.
What's that, neighbour? You hope I have a nice day?
Mm, me, too. Ta-ta for now.
I put that in.
I hope I don't get abducted, that would be the pits and stuff.
And that.
This was the last sighting of Jane Rowland.
Did you see her crossing the road?
Did she sell you some of her feminine hygiene products?
Neither Jane nor her Femfresh have been seen since.
God, Debbie, you were really shit!
Jealousy will get you nowhere, Reba.
I had no idea Mrs Rowland had special needs.
She didn't.
Oh, it's just...she came across a bit...
Completely mongified?
Do you wanna feel my foetus?
Can I use your loo? Up the stairs.
Girlfriend, we need to talk.
How was she? About as wooden as that.
What's going on with you and Mickey?
- I'm not blind. - I am!
Listen, about your Ashlene...
Oh, my God, I know why Jayeson is here.
Hang on, there's something I've got to do.
Mum, did you get my letter?
It was more of a notelet/card.
Has that phone started ringing yet?
You watch, I'll be in Casualty come June.
Mum, I've got something to tell you.
Or Emmerdale, they're all shit in Emmerdale, I'll act them off the screen.
I nearly ran away tonight. "Clear the cowshed, Bunty's in labour."
Bunty's a cow.
I'm not like other boys.
Good, other boys are crap. No, they're not.
Otherwise why would I like them so much?
You're too young to know your own mind, Simon.
I knew you'd be crap in that reconstruction.
I wasn't crap, Simon, the director just wasn't very good.
But when will I stop feeling like this?
Debbie, you'd better come inside.
I'm in the middle of something right now.
They've found your woman.
What?
You just remember,
your dad and me, yeah,
you're the most precious little boy in the world to us.
And you always will be. Always, no matter what.
Basically, I ran away. I tried to make a new life for myself
but when I saw that reconstruction, I just got very angry
and felt I had to show the nation that I don't walk or talk like that.
Yes, what I did was against the law, but what that actress did was criminal.
Come on, Jane. Piss off, Tony.
Why do you think I ran away in the first place?
I've got something for you.
The reason I had to change schools
was I was getting picked on at my last one.
Why would anyone want to pick on you?
They found out something about me and... it didn't go down too well.
What was it?
It was a letter to someone telling them how I felt about them.
It's a bit embarrassing, really. Who?
Jason Orange.
Have you seen the video for Do What You Like?
Those clothes were fierce.
Thank God no-one can see us coming out of my bedroom,
cos I'd hate for anyone to think I was a slapper.
What's your name again?
- Aunty Hayley! - Yes, what?
I think my waters have broke.
Right, um...
...let's get you downstairs and find your mum, all right?
Come on.
Andy, call an ambulance.
Andy!
When I'm older, I'm going to live in London amongst the beautiful people.
I'll have beanbags and a smoking jacket
and probably be like that with Jason Orange.
I can't get a line!
It's the wrong way up.
Lie her on the couch.
Ahh! I can feel it coming!
No, no, no, no, no!
All right, darling.
# On the roof
# As we are
# I can feel the air of what could be
# Looking down
# And I found As though from the start
# Something good I can see the world as it should be
# I'm gonna let my fear of flying go
# Or I might never know... #
Owwww!
It's all right, all right.
The ambulance is on its way.
Ahhhhhhh!
# One life, my way
# And I'll dive in and I just feel that something's happened to me
# And now I know
# I'm not the only one... #
Oh, my God, oh, my God!
Isn't he gorgeous?
He's perfect.
He's beautiful.
Dear Mum.
I wanted to tell you this myself, but couldn't, so here I am...
I want to let you know
that for a long time I've been bullied by a boy called Jayeson.
As you know, I'm different from the other boys at school.
And also...
because I'm gay.
SIREN WAILS Oh, my God! I'll go to Reading Jail!
CRASH
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I got my gash. Thank you.
Thought of any names, Ashlene?
I quite like Puff Daddy Doonan.
I like Andy.
She can call him whatever she wants to.
What's it got to do with you?
Yeah, I don't even know why you're here, Jayeson.
That's Jayeson? Right!
Are you going to tell him or shall I?
What are you on about, Gaylord.
He's the dad.
He's Puff Daddy's daddy.
You are joking.
Simon, we're family now.
I don't know about that, sunshine.
Debbie, what are you doing?!
That is for taking advantage of my daughter's slutty nature.
That is for making me a grandma at a ridiculously young age,
and this is for what you've done to my Simon.
Ohh!
Mum...
I'm getting married.
Mum!
To a man.
Remember Mickey, from school?
Well, we've been Skyping... Don't do that to me, Simon.
I'd spent my life wishing I was with the beautiful people
and now I know they were with me all along.
To quote Judy Garland, there really is no place like home.
# One night, my way
# And I'll dive in
# And I just feel that
# One night, my night
# And I'm dancing
# I'm not the only one
# One night, my night
# And I'm dancing
# I'm not the only one. #